Sunday, March 23, 2008
I've been encouraged to share about a certain verse which I find particularly helpful as of late. Initially, I opened the page and couldn't think of what to blog or how to express how I feel so I succumbed to closing the page.
I thought about it and decided against being so selfish.
From November 2007 last year, I've been going through a very tough patch in my life. I lost alot of sleep and was unable to concentrate at what lay ahead. I took things very badly and felt very negatively about myself. For weeks, I cried every single day, I clung onto things that were temporary and should be insignificant. I couldn't slash my wrists because people will look and spread gossip amongst themselves so I slashed my thighs. But the physical pain only took the emotional pain away for a short while, a minute or two. But that was how desperate I wanted to rid the emotional pain, that even that short minute of temporary pain was like a light of hope and ease.
I felt very held down by the situation. Constantly, I tell myself to suck it up or walk tall but I was so easily affected by what was happening at that point of time that I couldn't make it to the next step. I had this huge void within myself that I was trying to fill up with the most unimaginable things. I degraded myself by willing to do the most disgusting things in hopes of making myself feel better.
As of late, I've started to feel alot of better. I've begun to place down hurt, I'm already on my two feet and I'm slowly walking. I hope that I would be able to start running in the next few months. I don't look back but instead, I try to reach for what lays ahead. Sometimes, I have this compulsive need to check out something that I'd really like to know but when I evaluate the situation I realised that it'd do more harm. I don't want to and I cannot let myself go back to the horrible person I became when my world fell apart so I refrain from checking on things that should remain insignificant, what you don't know can't hurt you.
Some nights, when I feel like doing irrational things, I'd flip to Hebrew13:5-6 "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you. So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?'" I've realised that God puts me through everything for a reason and He'll never give me a burden too heavy to carry. He knows perfectly well what's best for me. Eventually, all things will pass away and what remains standing at the end is not the guy that tore me apart or the things that he did to, but rather, My God and me.
Just last week, this one guy said something that stopped me in my tracks, I was so sure that I was going to fall. And I wanted to ask God why. But instead, I prayed incessantly, through the tears and asked God where do I go from there. And he amazing spoke to my heart 'Forward'.
I never expected myself to write such a long testimonial.
Chermaine.
